Stay

Stay with me for now,
Stay as long as you must.
Stay with me forever,
Or until I've turned to dust.

Love is unconditional,
It brings peace to the heart.
But mine simply consumes me,
And tears my soul apart.

I want you to stay
Not just tonight and tomorrow,
But now and forever, 
And for all time to follow.

If you don't want to stay,
There's nothing I can do.
Except to let you go and hope
That you find love too.         

That's when you'll know,
What it feels like
To love someone deeply,  
And be rewarded with spite.

But who am I kidding?
I don't want you to go away; 
Neither find love elsewhere;
All I want is for you to stay.

As You Sow

As you sow
So shall you reap.
But do not weep.
Let the pain seep         
Into your soul. 

It's there for a reason.
And it'll stay a season.
You committed treason. 
This is your repentance. 

There is no solace.
Not even a trace.
Consequences you must face.      
For your behaviour of disgrace.

Let your heart bleed.
Of truth, plant a seed.
Let it not weed.
And once you sow,
Make sure to reap.

Moving On, is the Worst Thing You Can Do

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I read an article a friend once suggested. It offered the view that, no matter what circumstances a human being goes through, he/she gets over it and learns to be happy. Humans apparently have an innate ability to be happy—or rather, go back to a state of happiness after being unhappy—no matter what. In other words, we move on.

But ‘moving on’ is a palliative. It works in the short term. It even convinces us that we are fine; that we are leading perfectly normal, routine lives.

And then, one day suddenly, 19 years later, the memory comes flooding back. It comes at a time when you’ve succeeded in convincing yourself that you are fine; that you have healed. As a result, the guilt, remorse, anger or any other emotion that you associated with it, comes back, too. And it comes back with a vengeance. It comes back to mock you, because you dared to move on.

Yes, the human psyche was built to ‘get over’ things – seemingly so. But no emotion, when felt so intensely, can ever be done away with. Love gone sour simply turns to hate, because both emotions are too strong to disappear entirely.

George Orwell famously noted in the classic 1984, “…you could not alter them (your feelings) yourself, even if you wanted to.” Feelings are too strong to be able to control. All emotions that are felt by an honest heart are. Love, loss, grief, hatred – you can presumably move on from them all, but you never do, and never will. Because they will come back to haunt you. And you will never know what triggered it. Maybe nothing did. Maybe it was there all along, just waiting to make a comeback.

So, what’s the solution? I haven’t a clue. But if I had to wager, I’d say ‘get used to’ might be a more appropriate conclusion. Get used to feeling love, hatred and loss. Learn to live with it. This way, when the emotion rears its head again, you’ll be able to look it in the eye and face it head-on. Else, you’ll simply find yourself cowering, because you, you moved on.

The Best Intentions - Dashed to Bits!

I was a good girl. For 4 whole days. I ate sensibly and had been exercising for the week before that. And then came Diwali. And the Bohra New Year. And so, healthy eating promptly flew out the window.

But then again, festivals are a time to be merry and not worry about petty issues such as watching your wasitline! Aren't they? I like to think so.

So, until the festive season is over, I'm on a break from all things healthy.

I Used to Know a Boy

I used to know a boy,

His name was D.

His favourite pastime,

Was to make fun of me.

I used to know a boy,

His name was D.

Thin as a stick,

Tall as tall can be.

He used to be funny,

He used to be smart;

We became great friends,

Right from the start.

I used to know a boy,

He was my confidante.

But then one day,

He broke my trust.

I used to know a boy,

I thought we were best friends,

We used to share everything,

 Even our deepest secrets.

But things went wrong,

And he abandoned me.

My deepest darkest secrets,

He lay bare for all to see.

I couldn’t forgive him this,

I couldn’t let it go.

He said he was sorry;

But I wasn’t sure.

Then I had two options,

To give him a second chance;

Or ask him to be on his way,

Without a backward glance.

But friendship is strange that way,

It’s not easy to let go;

They say a tear can never mend,

But breaking up is a bigger blow.

So  I let it go,

And we were pals again;

And since that day he’s never

Given me a chance to complain.

So I guess what I’m saying,

Is to give up the strong stance;

To trust somebody once again,

To give friendship a second chance.

A LITTLE NOTE

A little note

For dear little you;

Friends like you in this strange land,

I have very few.

The drunken confessions,

The heartfelt chats,

The exchange of gossip,

The checking out of lads.

I could do it all with you

Without a single care,

And now we live so far;

Everything we cannot share.

But that’s okay,

For I know the truth;

You’ll be there if I need you,

Like a firm tree’s root.

I don’t mean to be soppy,

But I’d like to let you know;

I’m here if you need to rant or laugh,

Or talk your facial muscles sore.

Your birthday is over,

And this note is a tad bit late,

But the sentiment it carries,

Has no expiry date!

Singapore – Take Two

For somebody who remembers the smallest of details about the randomest of things, I often suffer from deplorable loss of memory when it comes to certain things. Such as the date I first set foot in Singapore. It was the fag end of July, the date being 23^rd or 27^th, I forget which. But that was the year 2012. It is now July of 2014. Two years. TWO years. Did I notice it’s been that long? Hell, no!

Time, to employ a cliché, really has flown by. And I can’t even begin to explain how quickly. Life until the age of 23 (well, a month short thereof) was simple, steady. Not boring, never boring; but… predictable. The levels of naiveté demonstrated by me were of stratospheric proportions. Knowing all of this full well, the sister decided to accompany me on my first foray into an ‘unknown’ land. Now, knowing—and loving—Singapore as I do, it seems a laughable matter that I or anyone else could ever have considered this place as one where I needed to be careful, on account of the ‘unknown’ factor.

The first year went by with life and, more importantly, my lifestyle, undergoing no major changes. Much as I dreaded becoming a student again, I found that I could slip into the role—the pursuit and achievement of good grades included—easily enough. Buddies were exactly the kind of people I had always befriended even back home – vice-less, rock solid and thus, to some, boring. The year was interesting enough to teach me how to multitask, how to survive writing the most boring papers while holding a myriad of different day jobs/internships. Getting out didn’t happen often, given that I lived on pretty much another planet. But when we did, it was fun. I did have a few friends outside of Uni, thanks to Couchsurfing, but I’d meet them only once in a while. I went to a bunch of cool places, too, thanks to the enterprising CSers!

Graduation was a time of great pride. It also brought the brother to Singapore. Considering how adamant he was never to visit, this was a major highlight for the year! Post graduation, the job search languished. In the meantime, I shifted houses twice—which would have been impossible without aforementioned Uni mates—and visited Bali for 11 days. A trip home ensued, in which a short term work project in Goa was also included. The Bali trip ensured I was flat broke by the time I got back to Singapore and, once again, the dear darling Uni mates came to the rescue, as did another Couchsurfing friend.

Amid all of this, life’s ups and downs did not leave me untouched. From the highs of living an independent life to the lows of losing a very young friend, it’s been a constant see-saw ride.

November was a period of desperation. Two months for the visa to expire, a mind-draining part-time position in hand, but no full-time job in sight. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. And thus, when I got a call from a certain country club, I blazed in and pretty much put down an ultimatum. “You either hire me, or you don’t,” I said to them, though not in so many words. Contrary to my own expectation, I wasn’t thrown out. Starting January 2014, life in a stable job began. Early mornings and long working hours meant early nights! Add to that the daily chores before turning in each day, and I had newfound respect for all working women with families. Move over, Superman.

But let me backtrack here a bit. While the job search was ongoing, moving out of NTU meant I had more time, better access to people and places. And so it began that I started going out more often, meeting lots of fun people. It was always interesting because I met new people, learnt new things. And then, in early 2013, I met a few people who went on to become faces as familiar as my own. Was that necessarily a good thing, given that I now spoke to fewer ‘new’ people every time I went out? Maybe not. But did the experience of hanging out with them change my life? Yes – some for better, some for worse.

Essentially, I was now, well and truly, ‘on my own’. Even though I had lived in Singapore for a year, so far, Uni had closeted me. The outside world was a whole different ballgame. Between job searches and painful landlords, the list was endless. To add to that, I came to be in touch with some people who were so different from me, I think it was the wonder of it all that attracted me to begin with. I often felt ridiculously naïve; almost as often as I felt glad to know a bunch of people who had so much to teach and share; it was incredible.

But my time in the ‘outside’ world also brought me in touch with elements I had never experienced before. From not having my best friend standing next to me to offer a way to politely refuse the advances of men at clubs, to seeing the absolute recklessness and debauchery demonstrated by some people, I used to be left speechless. And then I was asked, “Why do you get so culture-shocked?” That’s when I knew I had to either get with it, or get out of it. So I chose the former – to some extent. Has that always been a good idea? Absolutely not. Has it taught me more in the past one year than I learnt in 24 years prior to that? Yes. I still can’t understand some behaviours, thought processes and attitudes, but at least now, I can camouflage my feelings.

Sadly, I have also begun to do something I never thought I would – I have begun to comprehend things that, in the past, wouldn’t have penetrated my power of reasoning because they were so alien. And that was a good thing. Because this, the new me, the one that comprehends all this, has also learnt to be less rigid. The world is no longer all white or black. The shades of grey that I had managed to avoid for the longest time have seeped into the lens that I view the world with, as well. But what hasn’t changed, is the way I feel about it. And that’s worse, because I now do things that are in accordance with my new behaviour, but not so with my old beliefs. And this constant internal tug-of-war is soul draining.

That’s life in Singapore so far. But it certainly wasn’t all bad. The only difference is, some of these are things I should have learned much earlier in life, to save me the multiplied effects now. It’s always better to learn late than never to learn at all, but the longer we take to learn life’s lessons, the harder the task of doing so. And I had to learn the really, really hard way; but at least I learned.

Friends from India who have stuck by my side like my shadow during this phase know the changes and therefore empathise, but I suspect those whom I haven’t met in the last two years will barely, if at all, recognise the person I have become.

So that’s what two years in Singapore have been like. I love my life here and I love the independence, the sense of accomplishment that I feel every day. So what if I don’t always like the me doing all of these things.

P.S.: I’ve sat in a car in Singapore plenty of times, but never on a bike. Just as the two year-mark was coming to a close, and I was panicking at crossing another year without a bike ride in Singapore, an angel heard me and I got the most perfect bike ride – empty stretch of road, at 2:00am, with a cool breeze. Dear angel, if you are reading this, a big Thank You! (And I wouldn’t mind another ride.)

The City of Hope

The city of hope,

The city of dreams,

The very heart;

This city never sleeps.

The sea by which

Promises are made;

People sit watching,

As the sun’s rays fade.

The streets chaotic,

Never a dull moment;

The night sky

Turns a cynic ‘to a poet.

The underworld and

Underhand dealings;

The endless wait at

Official court hearings.

The crowded trains

Are used by lakhs,

No thought for others;

Babies crammed on laps.

Yet there is something

About the eternal city;

It’s boundless love,

It’s versatile beauty.

Amid all the mayhem

You won’t be alone,

There will always be,

Another weary soul.

Of the city herself;

She doesn’t grow old;

She may be tired,

But she is still bold.

And if she loves you,

Be assured, my friend,

Your hard times are gone,

Your luck is on the mend.

She’ll look after you while

Bursting at the seams;

This city of hope,

This city of dreams.

Transient

Life’s not perfect,

It was never meant to be.

But it was worth it,

For you and me.

We met by chance,

Without expectations,

Going with the flow,

Respecting limitations.

We knew our time was short,

But that didn’t matter to us,

 We made the most of it;

We weren’t in a rush.

But in the aftermath,

I was asked the meaning,

Of this whole affair that

You and I were leading.

I had no answers;

Only feelings to show,

Of a love that was, and

A heart that took a blow.

And now you’re gone

My love, never to return,

Nothing I can do or say

Will make the fates turn.

So I will accept it,

For what it meant,

A love that had a tag;

It was transient.

Be You

But what good is your passion, if it has known no experience? What will it matter, 20 years from now, what your ideals were if you haven’t put them to the test? You may live in ideals without any threat; but is that any gauge of your character? The person that you were when you felt, is the person that you truly are. Not the person who you believed to be you. Don’t be afraid to feel. To test. To be. Because in the end, that is all that will matter. Now. Forever.

And no matter who or what that person you discover yourself to be is, learn to live with it. Learn to live with yourself, because you are who you are. Live for yourself. If you pretend to live by another’s wishes, then you are just living a lie. And lies never helped anyone, no matter how convenient and appropriate they may seem. They are just an excuse you created to make yourself feel better. Detach yourself from lies. And embrace the you that is left behind. It may not be perfect, but at least it still is you.

Ladies, I’m So Glad I Know You!

There are several things that help a person bond with another human being. For me, it can be anything from a shared love of reading to passion for dance, sharing travel stories, planning treks, and conversations about writing. There’s another contender on this multitudinous list – food.

For the longest time, men have been known to enjoy food – in terms of quantity and quality. Women, after all, have always been too concerned with their physical appearance to indulge in the Sin that is gluttony. I am so happy though that, stepping down from that unrealistic pedestal, one finds that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

I love food. Everyone (okay, almost everyone) who knows me knows I love food. Sometimes I’m a bit selective about the kinds of food I eat, but barring that little hiccup, I love food. Yes, it’s repetitive, but I just needed to drive that point home.

Singapore is food heaven. It’s also monetary hell. Despite being super expensive, I try to fit into my budget places that I really, really, REALLY want to go to (that list is also endless). And while I have one guy friend who is forever willing to go and try out these places with me, I’m proud to say I know several girls who are ever ready as well.

This post is dedicated to those girls. Girls who like to eat and who appreciate good food. Lately, I have been lucky enough to meet a fair few of them, and it’s made me a happy girl. No longer do I have to worry about where I’m going to find the company to go and eat at a new place (my personal view is that eating alone anywhere other than at home is really sad). I now know exactly whom to call, and these ladies are ever willing to join me. Hell, sometimes they are the ones doing the calling!

Yes, it’s not in the best interest of health or thriftiness, but hey, those are small details that can be taken care of. So men of the world, take note. If you want to impress girls, they are not so different from you. The key to their heart could also be the same as the key to yours – good food.

As for the girls, I really am glad to know you. To more good food, then!

Goodbye, 2013, and thank you: 2014

The year 2013 has been rather interesting. From the highs of learning to live alone in Singapore, to passing my Master's and graduating at a grand ceremony, to the lows of uncertainty about finding a job, and emotional drama galore, it's been a hell of a ride.

The year has taught me so much that I had failed to learn in the 23 years of my life prior to that. Just one year has been enough to bring into relief the harsh realities of life. It was enough to snatch away the rose-tinted glasses that formed my vision on the world. But was it necessarily such a bad thing? I don't think so.

Now I know what can and will go wrong if I let it, I will be less square, try harder, and generally be smarter about how I conduct myself and what I do with my life.

The year has served to make me more cynical of several things, less wary of some others, downright distrustful of some, and more respectful of some others. It has made me stronger in so many ways and for so many reasons - sometimes on account of mistakes I've made, sometimes because I had no choice but to accept certain realities, whether I like them or not.

Then there were the really cool bits. Like Graduation. The pride of wearing the graduation gown, having my brother with me during that most important moment of my life, and sharing the joy and pride with him - the experience was unforgettable. Family's visits were also great highlights from my year. Taking a trip to Malaysia with mom, being a tourist anew in Singapore with my sister and darling little nephew, and finally visiting Universal Studios with my brother - all of these things made my year a super happy one. And then of course, there was the Bali trip! The epic trip where I trekked up an active volcano with my coolest travel buddy, and surfed with people for the first time ever, it is an unforgettable part of the year 2013 for me.

In this backdrop of happiness there was loss - the loss of a dear friend in tragic circumstances marred the year greatly. She is dearly missed and fondly thought of and has served to make many of us so much more responsible...

And then there's the ever present heart woes. The loss of love that never really existed was difficult. And in a new place, in a new atmosphere, I wanted to be more mature about it, which only served to make matters worse. Can't say I succeeded in getting over it, but I am certain eventually I will, because every day I try harder to achieve that end.

The year of marriages! So many friends got married, I've lost track! Those who are already married, were busy having babies, and the general life stage changes had me feeling as if I was stuck in a place from where I couldn't move, yet everything around me continued to change at mindboggling speed.

And now the eventful year is over. The year 2014 has already begun on an interesting note, and it can only get better. But this year, thanks to the last, I am going to be smarter, kinder, more aware, less stupid and naive, and a better and more evolved person in general. I will work hard for things, and achieve what I want, I will not allow meaningless things and people to become the centre of my world, and I will combine the person I used to be with the individual I can be, with the help of the wisdom culled from last year, and a positive outlook on the new one.